Whenever you are sad when a little one leaves your home or is sent back into the abuse.... Whenever you are faced with feeling like a failure as a mom, wife, and/or human being.... Whenever you come up against unorganized and neglectful adults who you must butt heads with in order to receive the care that your little one(s) need and deserve.... Whenever you question why you began foster parenting to begin with.... Whenever you are faced with any other adversity.... I want you to read this. Over and over, until it is so engraved on your soul that you know it to be true.
Your shame does not define who you are. The strength and determination that you had to survive is what defines you.
God designed you to be a foster mom and I am proud of you for being brave enough to overcome your own demons in order to help and protect other children.
God. Designed. You.
Although He did not allow bad things to happen to you, He has used every single thing to prepare you for your destiny.
- Before you were born, you may have been so unwanted by your father that he tried to kill you only a month before you were born. You were not injured. You did not die. The doctor said it was a miracle. You were born. For a reason.
- When you were molested so traumatically at 4 years old, and after you told your mom and she left you with him again anyway, and you were unable to protect yourself from him once again.... IT. WAS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT! You were a child! You could not protect yourself. You should not have been forced to protect yourself. It was your mother's responsibility and she failed you, not only when she left you there with him to go on her date, but also when she ignored you afterwards and did not seek help for you. The Sunday School teacher who you told should have done something more than shake her head at you. It was her own discomfort that made her choose not to act. Not because you were dirty or didn't deserve to be advocated for. You could not have known how to cope and you should not feel guilty for carrying the guilt with you for 30+ years. Because, you see, God grew you into a passionate advocate for children. When any child is around you, you make sure they are safe and secure. Always. Without fail.
- Regardless of the reasoning that your mother had for not spending time with you and not meeting your emotional needs, the fact remains that it was not caused by you. You were not designed to be her verbal punching bag. You were not unworthy of her love and affection. You were good enough. You were not a mistake. It was her own problem for acting that way. It is not an excuse that she was repeating her own parents' mistakes.... because YOU changed that pattern! And there is no reason that she couldn't have. However, because you did have those feelings and those experiences, you now know what other kids need to hear. You know all too well how it feels to be a burden and to feel all alone in your grief. You know the shame of not wanting anyone else to know, in case they confirm that yes, you are indeed a mistake. You are a kindred spirit with the abused and neglected. You will be the one who can (at the very least) plant the seed that they are not a waste of life, but are a precious gift of God.
- You lost your best friend to foster care for a reason. Before that you had no idea there even was such a thing. When she told you her story and you felt that unmistakable knowledge deep down in your soul, you KNEW that God was calling you to be a foster parent. There has never been a doubt. She may have only been in your life for a short time, but she left her impression on your heart forever.
- By the time you were 14 and were raped, you may have been able to speak up and tell someone but you should not feel guilty for not telling anyone. You were already taught that adults don't protect you and by that time you already felt as though you deserved it somehow. I am proud of you for finally believing that you are worthy of protection and that you were not born for the benefit of pedophiles. Because you have come so far you will be able to teach other children what you have learned. It may have taken a very long time to learn to cope, but you did learn. And that's what matters.
- God gave you a rambunctious son to teach you to look outside the box and to get creative with disciplining. It taught you how to advocate at school and to hold teachers accountable for being idiots. You counteracted all of the negative things he was told and taught him how to stand up to bullies, how to cope with depression, and how to believe in himself. You taught him to celebrate the fact that he is not just like everyone else. You encourage individuality and looking beyond a book's cover. Look how terrific he turned out!
- Your daughters are so much like you in their compassion, generosity, and loving nature. Think of the joy you feel when they are so friendly to strangers, and when they help everyone without expecting anything in return. They are well known for their respect and acceptance of those who are different from them. Be proud, Momma! It's ok that Sunshine Bear and Silly Bear take after your shy side sometimes. They are not timid for the same reasons as you. They are just as emotionally healthy as Doodle Bear. Being shy is not a bad thing. Pretending to be invisible is. They don't do that.
- During your time as a Girl Scout leader, class mom multiple times, PTO officer, babysitting, and all the other involvement with children, you learned different personalities and what was most effective in getting them to listen. You have always been drawn to the "underdog", the kid who got in trouble the most. This was not by chance. You have a tender place in your heart for them and want to give them love and encouragement instead of taking the easy road and punishing them.
- Even when you worked as a pediatric nurse, you were the "go to" nurse to get the difficult kids to do things. Remember the twins who would scream when you came anywhere around them? After a few months they actually smiled whenever they saw you! You were the only nurse who was able to take their stats without them flipping out in epic proportions. How about little blondie? Remember how her autism was so severe that she wouldn't interact with anyone? But you figured out that by pretending she was a kitty that she would do anything at all for you.... including lying down for a shot! You did that, girl! All because you took the time to study their behavior and adjust to what they felt comfortable with. And don't forget the sweet girl who crawled in your lap and hugged you right after you had just given her some vaccinations.
How many times in your life have you been told that you are "a momma to all" or that you are meant to work with children? This is your destiny, chick. Embrace it. Because you rock at this Momma thing. Even on the bad days.
Remember that you are not perfect and you are going to make mistakes for sure. That doesn't mean that you are a failure. It only means that you are human. Don't put such high standards on yourself. Do your absolute best and be happy with that. God will pick up the slack and everything will be alright.
You may not be able to save every single child, but you can pray that God will turn the bad into good for them. Just like He did for you.
Now.... go change some lives and spread some love. :)
Love,
Me
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